There is a common sense notion that until people have their survival needs met, they can’t really express and try to gratify other, so-called “higher order” needs. Common sense is wrong. Needs for meaning, relationships, recognition and agency are every bit as important as economic survival needs. No one need is “primary.”
When a child’s attachment to a caretaker is secure, such an attachment–based on the latter’s empathy, reliability, and emotional availability–provides a secure foundation for the development of the child’s autonomous capacity for loving relationships. When attachment is insecure, the child—and later adult—becomes clinging or avoidant. Parents need to be good enough, not perfect. Finally, our society has to better nurture and support these childhood attachment relationships.
Gaslighting is the process by which one person attempt to drive another person crazy by challenging their sense of reality and denying they are doing so. It’s a cousin to the concept of the “double-bind” and the “Catch 22.” When a parent does this to a child, the results can be catastrophic. It is also, however, seen in milder forms in couples in which one partner keeps secrets from the other but denies this reality.
Golf is especially frustrating for amateur golfers in ways similar to the frustrating process of learning and exercising other skills. At it’s heart, the discrepancy between what the golfer imagines his/her body should do and what it actually does causes what we call a narcissistic injury that the golfer responds to with either rage or despair. In addition, at moments of failure on the golf course, each golfer tells him or herself a story that accounts for it, usually one that includes harsh self-judgments. The solution to frustration such as this is to find a way to face, tolerate, and eventually accept reality.